Delusi

aku, hanya aku, tak ada lagi delusi. tak ada lagi teman, negeri dan kerajaan khayalan. tak ada karakter karakter yang ku buat untuk menemaniku bicara sendiri, tak ada Ryan, Dian, Fajar & Syah. aku bukan lagi si bulan yang merajai malam, tak ada lagi bintang, matahari, pelangi, meteor, komet, awan, hujan atau benda yang menghiasi langit, aku hanya aku

aku bukan lagi raja di sebuah kerajaan, yang mengumpulkan priest, joker, bard, queen, prince, guardian, wizard atau yang lain.

aku berusaha melepaskan semua delusi yang aku kira dapat menguatkan aku, ternyata delusi Cuma melemahkan, membuatku tercandu dengan khayalanku sendiri, membuatku percaya yang fana itu nyata.

aku hidup didiriku, bukan didunia ini, memanipulasi otak untuk percaya yang aku percaya, bukan percaya akan apa yang nyata.

Delusi beda Dimensi

Andriansyah, Your Personal Life Path Number is 2

"What is a Life Path number?"

If ever there was a moment of total transformation Andriansyah, it was the moment of your birth. In that instant, you stepped through a door in time into a new reality -- the reality of human life. The most important number in your numerology chart is based on the date of your birth, the moment when the curtain goes up in your life.

Even at that moment, you were a person with your own unique character, as unique as your DNA. Everything that is you existed in potential, much like a play that is about to begin. Your entire life exists as a potential that has been prepared for. Andriansyah, you have ultimate freedom to do with your life as you like: To fulfill its potential completely, or to make some smaller version of yourself. It all depends upon your effort and commitment.

You make the decisions to fulfill, to whatever extent, the potential life that exists within you. That is your choice. In this sense, the possible you is implicit during the moment of your birth.

The Life Path number gives us a broad outline of the opportunities, challenges, and lessons we will encounter in this lifetime. Your Life path is the road you are traveling. It reveals the opportunities and challenges you will face in life. Your Life Path number is the single most important information available in your Personality Chart!

"What does a Life Path number of 2 mean?"

Andriansyah, you have the potential to be a source of inspiration and illumination for people. You possess an inordinate amount of energy and intuition. There is so much going on in your psyche that you are often misunderstood early in life, making you shy and withdrawn. You have far more potential than you know.

As an 11 Life Path, you are a highly charged version of the 2 and possess many of the characteristics and talents of that number. You galvanize every situation you enter. You inspire people, but without your conscious effort. Energy seems to flow through you without your controlling it. This gives you both power and sometimes emotional turmoil.

You are a channel for information between the higher and the lower, between the realm of the archetype and the relative world. Ideas, thoughts, understanding, and insight -- all of these can come to you without your having to go through a rational thought process. There seems to be a bridge, or connection, between your conscious and unconscious realms, attuning you to a high level of intuition through which even psychic information can flow.

All of this amounts to a great capacity for invention. Many inventors, artists, religious leaders, prophets, and leading figures in history have had the 11 prominent in their chart.

Because you are so highly charged, you experience the consequences of a two-edged sword. You possess great abilities, but indulge in much self-reflection and self- criticism. You often feel highly self-conscious. You are aware on some level that you stand out. Even when you try to blend with your environment, you often feel conspicuous, alien, and out-of-place.

Andriansyah, you are blessed with a message, or a specific role to play in life. But you must develop yourself sufficiently to take full advantage of that opportunity. Until that time, your inner development takes precedence over your ability to materialize the great undertaking you were chosen to perform. Consequently, 11s seem to develop slowly, but they simply have more to accomplish in their evolution than the average person. Thus, your real success does not usually begin until maturity, between the ages of 35 and 45.

You may often be frustrated, largely because you have extremely high expectations of yourself. But these expectations can be unrealistic, and can prevent you from accomplishing anything. You can be very impractical, envisioning a skyscraper when all that was necessary was a two-story house.

You may also suffer from bouts of confusion and lack of direction. This gives rise to loss of confidence and the onset of deep depression. The cause of these emotional problems is your lack of understanding of your own sensitivity and potential. Your desire to achieve some great ambition is enormous. However, a lack of confidence in your own ability to realize this dream may cause you much frustration. You sense the enormous potential you possess, which requires equally enormous confidence in your ability to materialize your dream. Confidence is the key that unlocks your potential.

On a strictly physical level, you must protect your nervous system, which is inordinately vulnerable to stress because of your acute sensitivity. Depression is often the result of long periods of stress that have gone unrelieved. Seek out peaceful and harmonious environments, relaxing music, and follow a healthful diet in order to restore balance and peace.

You can be extremely diplomatic and tactful. You are also patient and cooperative. You work well with groups and somehow find a way of creating harmony among diverse opinions. You enjoy music and poetry and require a harmonious environment. You have an eye for beauty and a fine sense of balance and rhythm. You have healing capabilities,

Andriansyah, you are a sensitive and passionate lover; your perceptiveness makes you aware of your partner's needs and desires, which you are able to fulfill with almost magical delicacy. However, when you feel you have been mistreated or jilted, you can react with devastating power, sometimes using personal criticisms vindictively.

You are a fine companion and possess a good sense of humor. When you have found your niche in life and begun to realize your true potential, your rewards will more than compensate for your trials earlier in life.

obrolan tentang amongraga dengan teman lama

yo maksute itu dek ... dengan manunggaling gusti = cuma takut sama gusti allah, manunggaling ati = mempunyai keimanan yang kuat tidak akan tergoda oleh duniawi, manunggaling rogo = kita menjadi sosok kuat dengan keteguhan hati iman dan islam, madep mantep kang moho kuoso = tidak takut ancaman apapun, baik sejata tajam api karena cuma takut kepada allah, asal lemah bali lemah = kita diciptakan dari tanah dan akan kembali ke tanah, filosofinya adalah hati jadi tenang karena tidak dihantui perasaan takut

Prayer Logic

apa sih point dari ini semua ? aku nemuin fakta yang membuatku berhenti berharap akan apapun, Tuhan sangat otoriter. Tuhan tetap melihat semua usaha mati matian kita, tetap mendengar doa doa yang kita panjatkan, tapi tetap dia yang menentukan bukan? banyak hal yang harus kita telan mentah-mentah tanpa ada persiapan sebelumnya, hal yang harus kita terima tanpa bisa menolak sedikitpun. temanku bilang "life will screw you over and over", sangat benar. sebenernya dari awal aku sudah tahu dan sadar akan itu semua, itulah sebab suicidal tendecies-ku. mengeluh, mengeluh dan mengeluh... banyak yang bilang "hidup seperti diperkosa, kalau gak bisa melawan ya dinikmati aja" nikmati gundulmu?

jauh didalam sebenernya masih percaya masih berharap, tapi ya... ahhhhhh ada kata yang lebih bagus dikatakan, ditulis atau tetap tercekat ditenggorokan...

tuhan senang sekali disembah (karena emang dia yang pantas), senang sekali dipuji(karena emang dialah yang pantas dipuji)

kadang berpikir, tentang prayer logic

kita berdoa, apakah dikabulkan? jika iya, langsung memuji tuhan, jika tidak, selalu akan ada alasan untuk membuat kita lega, contoh, tuhan bekerja dengan cara yang misterius, bukan yang terbaik bagi kita karena hanya tuhan tahu yang terbaik. yeah yeah yeah... god, i hate my life, i know you've know, please make it better but in proper way, that never hurt me much...

Lagi dan Lagi

lagi dan lagi, sampai saat ini aku ngerasa gak ada alasan untuk melanjutkannya, aku capek dengan ini semua... tuhan, saat ini, cuma itu yang aku mau... tolonglah aku...

Firasat & Mimpi

ternyata benar semua perasaan kemaren, hari ini aku mendengar kabar, dia akan pergi jauh, aku gak bisa ngapa ngapain, gak bisa cegah dia, bagaimanapun ini hak dan keputusan dia, aku gak bisa nahan dia.

sebenernya kemaren aku mimpi, melihat angin topan menerjang tempat kostku, sedangkan aku ada didalamnya dan melihat keluar. anginnya kenceng banget cuman gak merusak apapun, aku selamat didalamnya, lalu angin ke dua datang, tidak mengenai kostku, suaranya berderu. setelah bangun aku langsung browsing ke internet, apa tafsirnya. asal tahu aja, dari semua hal hal seperti ini, aku paling percaya tafsir mimpi, karena menurut islampun mimpi mempunyai arti, sebagaimana yang terjadi pada nabi Yusuf, Yunus dan beberapa sahabat nabi Muhammad SAW.

kembali ke tafsir mimpi, setelah aku googling, ternyata tafsirnya aku akan mendengar berita buruk, selama itu aku terus berpikir positif, semoga cuma mimpi biasa.


sampai akhirnya semalam kejadian...

Ya Allah Ya Rabb, Tolong Aku...

Berantakan

dan entah mengapa pagi ini aku bangun dengan perasaan campur aduk, kadang ngerasa semuanya berantakan, tapi ada satu keyakinan bahwa ini adalah keteraturan yang sangat sempurna dariNya. sejak kejadian beberapa bulan lalu aku jadi sering berpikir, semua yang terjadi di hidupku terjadi atas kehendakanya. all these pain, datang atas izinnya. aku mulai tak menyalahkan apapun atas apa yang terjadi dihidupku, hanya bisa bilang "ya sudahlah..." tak lagi banyak menuntut tak lagi banyak menyalahkan seperti dulu.

apapun itu, entah jelas jelas dijahatin, keadaan yang tiba tiba salah, perasaan amburadul, aku yakin itu semua atas ijinnya. yah sebenernya sering berasa berat, tapi mau gimana lagi... dan parahnya suicidal tendenciesku masih menghantui, entah ini bentuk kepasrahan dalam bentuk yang buruk atau aku udah gak punya harapan apa apa lagi terhadap semuanya...

kadang aku iri melihat mereka, mereka yang mempunyai semangat dalam menjalani hidup...

aku ingin hidup...